The following was written by a friend who currently resides in a correctional unit. He has been through eight Celebrate Recovery step-studies and cofacilitates these studies alongside me. In eight years, he has never missed a single class. Never. He just keeps growing and coming back for more. I love his raw honesty and seeking heart. Does he have all the answers? I doubt it. But neither do I. What human does? What he does have is a hunger for truth and a continually growing, maturing relationship with Jesus. Read on.
The Bible tells us that we can’t even begin to fathom the ways of God. I agree entirely, 100 percent. However, I believe that from time to time, he gives us little still-frame images that display shimmers of his glory. Heaven forbid he expose too much of himself to us. The finite cannot contain the infinite. That’s general physics and somewhat common sense.
What blows my mind is how humans are conditioned to seek answers to everything, not realizing (or just ignoring the fact) that some questions have no answers. We never grow out of that childlike state where we always seem to ask, “Why, why, why?” If you’re a parent, you know the stage I’m talking about.
As I said, I don’t believe we ever grow out of that stage. We only progress in the type of questions we ask. We go from questions like “Why do I have to eat all my vegetables?” to “If God is a God of love, then why do such terrible things happen in a world he created?” Two questions, very valid ones, light-years apart.
Life is unfair. It is a very cliché but intrinsic truth. We were not born into a world where the playing field is equal, and fairness is a constitutional promise. We live in a world where one child is born with a silver spoon, trust-fund life, and another child is born in a welfare line with a block of government cheese (which is delicious and one of the few perks of poverty). I’ll speak more on this in a moment, though.
First, a quick shakedown on me. I’m a thirty-one-year-old man who is five years into a thirty-year sentence for first-degree murder. I work as a substance abuse and behavioral modification counselor in the therapeutic community at the correctional unit. I wasn’t always like this. Possibly, you will have an opportunity to learn more about me and my whole story someday; only time will tell. I’m an ex-junkie, failed father, husband, son, brother, grandson, and friend.
I failed. I am the dregs of society, and the great State of Arkansas has a place for those types of people. Do I deserve to be here? Absolutely. Even though the incident that brought me to prison was an accident, I deserve to be here a hundred times over.
Today I am in recovery for a multitude of sinful behaviors and character defects. But I also work with men who are in the same position in life. We were (some still are) on our way to rock bottom. Chances are, a vast majority of you have never been incarcerated. But you likely know one or two who have seen the inside of a cell.
I am here today as a story of redemption. God has a calling for each of us, a vocation in mind. Some miss it altogether. I was one who, if not for chance and circumstance, would have been another one of those statistics. Life truly is beautiful how it works. Life has its own code of correcting what is wrong. Prison has humbled me very much.
But here is where I define my earlier point. The questions and their answers I often find myself asking are why it cost so much for such a simple lesson. Why did someone have to lose their life so I would get mine on track?
These seem like questions that have no answer or have multiple-angled answers. But one simple answer will not suffice.
I think Romans 8:28 (NIV) fits: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” But it’s also so much deeper than displaying glory, because God need not show off to anyone. Seriously, what does he have to prove?
My cost? My freedom, my daughter, the passing of my grandmother, and my father. All are devastating to me. But they became less of a loss and more like victims when I chose my path. Wait—it gets heavier.
The conscious weight of knowing I am responsible for another human life and an innumerable amount of broken hearts dog-piles my guilt and shame.
Before I get overwhelmed by looking back, let me explain how cool God has been to me. He gave his Son on a tree so my and your soul could be redeemed. But he has afforded me a rare shot to redeem myself on a temporal level. Right here, right now.
So many people get lost in the chaos of life and never get that second shot. Others only need one shot. I am one of the chosen elite. A living, breathing testimony to his glory and graciousness.
That doesn’t mean I will get back every relationship I ever broke and destroyed. Probably would be a safe bet to say most people will never forgive me. I did an excellent job of making myself a pariah. Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel insatiable. I have so many questions myself and no answers in sight.
But then God sends these sweet little nuggets. If we got our wish to know the answer to every question, what’s the point of living? Without the mystery, there is no reason to stay driven. I tend to lose interest in books and movies I already know the ending to. It’s when I think I know what’s going to happen and then get a surprise ending no one, including me, expected. That keeps me coming back for more.
All these idle questions and philosophies, like “What’s the meaning of life?” C’mon, man. Seriously? It’s to live! You, me, us—we only get one shot at it. So rather than getting sidetracked and defocused by open-ended, rhetorical questions or questions that have no answer at all, why not focus on loving the here and now? Why not try to answer a question like “What’s God trying to tell me here?” For five long years, I have been burdened by the heavyweight question “Why did it have to cost so much for me to wake up?”
Then God’s answer hit me like a freight train.
He loved me so much that not only did he give his only Son for my sins, but he allowed an innocent life to be sacrificed, along with an entire host of family and friends who loved her.
This person who lost her life has been redeemed in his presence. There is not a single doubt in my heart. And I believe her family will be rewarded for their faith.
And you know, maybe that’s not a good answer. Matter o’ fact, maybe it’s a terrible answer, and it’s my logic and a form of self-preservation I use to cope and maintain in the midst of my guilt. But I doubt it.
You ever receive a gift, and rather than just saying, “Thank you,” the first thing out of your mouth is “How much did it cost?” The answer I usually got was “Don’t worry about what it cost. That’s not important.”
That’s how God works.
So until a day when we can better acquaint ourselves with each other, I’m going to leave you with this: questions are good, and seeking answers is part of the human condition, but don’t ever get caught up in trying to find answers so much that you forget to live.
You know the definition of satisfaction? Satisfaction is the death of desire. So once all questions are satisfied, will there be a desire to live anymore? God allows me to know what I need to know when I need to know it.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Hope that makes sense.
So much love,
William
